Why do I find it hard to relate to people?
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"I find it hard to relate to people, is there something out of the ordinary about me, what kind of problem do I have?". This is a recurring question in those who experience difficulties in socializing, making friends, finding a partner or moving assertively in any context. Beyond what we may believe, this is a fairly common problem.
It is said that Agatha Christie had a deep fear of making public appearances and having to conduct interviews. Jorge Luis Borges, on the other hand, was always a consummate shy person, to the point of sending his friend Oliverio Girondo to replace him in any public task.
Neither of them was good at socializing, but the truth is that they didn't want to either. They simply preferred their safe spaces, their creative daily life. Those who have limitations to socialize, in reality, do wish to do so, they do wish to have a greater resolution and people skills to move around the university, work, entertainment venues and any place where there are simply other people.
Thus, while figures such as the aforementioned or others, such as Albert Einstein or the writers Cormac McCarthy or Harper Lee, showed obvious traits of shyness, not all those who have sociability problems are really shy.
Let's understand a little more about what lies behind these behaviors.
Causes of why I find it hard to relate to peopleWhen a person asks himself why I find it hard to relate to people, he is thinking in turn of something quite common. Namely that our society overemphasizes extroversion, openness of character and that social figure endowed (in appearance) with a supreme ability to connect and stand out.
However, to assume this idea is, in some ways, a mistake. Both introverts and extroverts can be socially successful. Moreover, there are also extroverted personalities with clear problems in socializing and even in building relationships. We point this out because of one specific fact: the difficulty to socialize effectively and happily does not always depend on shyness or introversion. They are a factor, it is true, but not the only one.
Let us analyze the causes in detail.
Relational rules internalized in childhoodA decisive factor that explains our abilities or difficulties in relating lies in our childhood. Most of us have unconsciously internalized the relational rules instilled in us by our primary caregivers. If they were not successful for them in their day, they will not be successful for us either.
It is the same with our communication. If our parents' language skills were not very skilled and they did not interact much with us, something like this also has an effect.
The presence of unemotional caregivers will always have an impact on a child's verbal, emotional and behavioral competencies.
So much so that we can have extroverted boys and girls with serious limitations in social and relationship skills, as a direct effect of that upbringing.
On the other hand, dysfunctional, authoritarian family environments or even more, living in an environment with little social contact, also cause these relational limitations.
Psychological and neurological dimensionsNot everything has its origin in our childhood. Sometimes, the reason why I find it difficult to relate to people is triggered by psychological and even neurological factors.
These would be some of those examples:
Autism spectrum disorder. Within this condition, there is, for example, Asperger's syndrome, which in many cases can go unnoticed. This explains why many adults show these problems in social interaction.
Anxiety and stress are also factors that limit and hinder our socialization skills.
On the other hand, it should be noted that psychological conditions such as antisocial personality disorder, social phobia or agoraphobia are also behind these difficulties. However, in these cases, they are realities in which the person him/herself deliberately shuns or avoids social contact.
Sensitivity to sensory perceptionWe spoke at the beginning of how figures such as Agatha Christie or Borges shunned social contact. Their evident shyness made them prefer safe environments and avoid exposing themselves to situations that generated stress and discomfort. Well, it is impossible to ask myself why I find it difficult to relate to people without taking into account one of the most obvious factors: the shy personality.
However, rather than focusing on this behavior pattern, it is interesting to understand what lies behind it. Shy people perceive the outside world differently due to what is known as sensory perception sensitivity.
What does this dimension consist of?
The brains of shy people are different. On average, they need more time to react to stimuli.
They are more introspective and reflective, something that prevents them from being able to adapt to those social environments where you have to act quickly in any situation.
Crowds, noise, new stimuli or exposure to situations in which they have no control, generate stress and discomfort.
All these factors show us that shyness also has a neurological basis. However, this does not preclude learning appropriate strategies to improve social skills.
I find it difficult to relate to people, what can I do? We can all improve our social skills. Learning to relate to people in order to enjoy interaction in any environment is within anyone's reach.
Here are some starting points:
Look for situations in which you feel comfortable. You can make use of online applications to find people with common hobbies.
This is always a good way to find people similar to us with whom we feel safe and secure. Later we can open up to other scenarios.
Reduce your self-demand. Avoid focusing so much on yourself, on the fear of failing, of not knowing what to say, of not being liked. Shift your gaze from the inside to the outside to let yourself go, to enjoy spontaneous conversations... Don't believe everything your mind tells you.
Lean on people you trust. Share your fears with someone who knows you and can guide you.
Learn techniques for stress and social anxiety management.
Strengthen your social skills: communication, assertiveness, emotional management?
To conclude, there is only one aspect to highlight: if our difficulty in relating to others is something chronic, something that we have been dragging for years and that hinders our quality of life, do not hesitate to consult a professional. There are therapies that can make a big change, the breakthrough we most need.
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