Desiderative thinking: when we only see what we want to see
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We are continuously making decisions that have to do with our work, our relationships... But, do you think that all of them are rational and logical? Sometimes, we are not aware that our thinking is a desiderative thinking in which our desires have a great weight.
"You can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality."
-Ayn Rand
When we desire an object or a situation, for example to achieve a certain goal or to get that house that you have seen and that you cannot get out of your mind, we send a signal to our brain in which we indicate that we are missing something. All the decisions we make from then on will be influenced by this desire.
What then happens to reality? It becomes for us what we want and causes us to see everything that happens "our way". It is not difficult to think of the number of problems that this can bring us, not only in terms of relationships, but also in relation to work. Reality is the way it is and no matter how much we want to see it with different eyes, it will not change.
Thought becomes a slave to desireIt may seem extreme, but thought becomes a slave to that desire that is in our mind, especially if that desire is very great. When this happens, no matter how rational we think we are when we make our decisions, this will not be the case. We no longer see the true reality, but we see what we want to see.
Desiderative thinking is based on illusion and fantasy. In this way, it does not matter what is really happening, if we are going the wrong way, if we are not treating people well, if we are making mistakes... We cannot see any of this because we are visualizing a world apart, one that we imagine and make real in our mind.
Although desiderative thinking can be a form of motivation, sometimes it also becomes a way to avoid a situation that we do not like. For example, let's imagine that in a couple's relationship -where everything is going badly- we want everything to continue as it used to be, when everything was better. Our thoughts will recover the memories of those times when happiness reigned, bring them to the present and imagine that this is how the relationship is going now.
Reality can be very painful and, for this reason, we unconsciously try to flee from it.
We are living in a fantasy without wanting to and without being aware that we close our eyes to what is happening. In reality, we pretend. We end up focusing on ourselves, on our own desire and end up forgetting about others. This causes serious problems in our environment.
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The traps of desiderative thinking
We have to be aware that desiderative thinking is never born from reality, but from what we wish would happen. But, being realistic is necessary in order not to fall into certain traps that can cause serious problems in our lives. Some of these are the following:
You focus on the goal and not on the process: this causes you not to be able to see the mistakes you are making, what you are doing wrong and that if you do not rectify it, it will not lead you to a good end. In the end, what you have wanted so much can turn against you.
You will not check if what you want is feasible: when we have a goal or a dream, the first thing we have to do is to verify that it is feasible in order not to strive in vain and avoid disappointments. Desiderative thinking prevents you from making this assessment and in turn allows you to allocate resources to goals that are not within your reach.
You will be frustrated and disappointed: desiderative thinking makes you live in a fantasy world that, as such, is not real. This will cause frustration and disappointment when you have no other choice but to stick to reality. In spite of this, if your desire is very strong you will continue in this situation that will wear you down progressively.
Sooner or later, reality will become present, much crueler and much more bitter.
If we live in this fantasy world for too long, the time will come when we will not know how to distinguish what is real and what is not. There will be times in our interpersonal relationships when others will try to open our eyes. This will be like a slap in the face of reality that will sadden you. So don't go back to fantasy to make yourself feel better.
We are in a real world from which we cannot escape no matter how much we want to. If you don't open your eyes, situations and people will end up doing so. But, it is better that you do it by yourself, if you do not want to end up shattered by the dream in which you have been immersed for so long, a lie that you have believed to be real.
Desiderative thinking is very comfortable. With it we are at ease, just where we want to be. But, this also transforms us into cowards who run away from reality and from everything we do not want to accept.
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